Secret Lies

Usual, in these blogs, I go on and on about the most current drama or things on my mind, but today, I'll be expressing it through another way. All I've got is a story to tell, based off...real...events, but I'll be using fake names as the characters.
So here it goes:
Kate, a normal girl, normal life, normal talents, normal story. She had long, luscious curls, a soft face, a pair of hazel eyes, and a shape she wasn't very proud of, but a face to pull it off. She had a fun, easy-going sense of style in her wardrobe and attitude, and she always came to school with a smile on her face. She laughed and she joked and she always had fun with her friends, but it was too bad she had a second life that she refused to let anybody know about.
It was a normal weekend, most normal weekend as ever. A bright, end of summer day, a pretty lazy day. Kate sat inside, like normal, updating her status on facebook, editing pictures on photoscape, and texting a few people from the comfort of her apartment living room. The TV was off but her iPod was blaring Breaking Benjamin and Carrie Underwood and few other artists inbetween.
It had been a rather rocky morning. The day before she had stayed up late after spending all evening and almost all night out at the field for her school's first football game, hanging out with a smallish group of her closest friends, and flirting with her crush who was in the school's marching band, and also telling her other friends congrats on doing so good in Dance Team and Colorguard. So when morning came her mom had woken her up rather early to tell her that her and her 'boyfriend' of some sorts were going out for breakfast and wanted to know if she wanted to tag along.
At first Kate refused and just felt the need to go back to sleep but after a few minutes she jumped out of bed, changed, and fixed her hair so they could leave. But as she waited for her mom and her 'boyfriend' - Eddie - to say it was time to go she plugged in her iPod and turned on her laptop and waited. After about an hour she went into the bedroom to ask what was taking so long and she found them asleep in the bed. At first, Kate figured they would wake up soon but when 11:30 finally crept around, Kate realized, they weren't gonna be going anywhere together. And at that she was already starting off the morning with an attitude.
At about noon Kate's mom took her out for lunch in town, apologizing for skipping out on breakfast, but Kate was still a little irritable about it and being woken up so early after her long night before. But as the day continued, Kate remembered that she was being forced to go to her Aunt and Uncle's house for the night because, once again her single - divorced - mother was going out with her friend Lisa and Eddie. And Kate, was not thrilled by it at all.
Kate spent all day trying to talk her mom into not making her go and she'd just stay at home while they all went out, but her mom wouldn't let her or tell her why. When they got home, Kate's mom went outside and sat on the front patio with their poodle, Cassie, while Kate stayed inside with her iPod and laptop, like always. A normal Saturday.
All day long, Kate's cousin had been bothering the heck out of her. "When are you coming over? What time are you coming over? Are you on your way yet?" She was ready to chuck her phone across the room. But as 3:30 came into reality Kate went outside to see what had happened to her mom, because she had been out there all day. When she went outside she just found her mom sitting on the patio the dog running around playfully. Kate sat down on the doorstep and said, "what time are you leaving?"
"Later."
"Mom, why can't I stay home?"
"Because."
"WHY!? You always go out and we NEVER do anything together! And then you do this! You kick me out of the house so you bring whoever you want around!"
And then some things were said, some tears were shed, and some people started yelling. Kate was afraid she was gonna get slapped when Eddie pulled up. She had almost forgotten her mom's plans to go pick up something with him from one of her other friend's house. So as Eddie pulled up smoke was coming out of her mom's ears, she yelled for Kate to get the dog and go inside. Kate ran inside, tears running down her face, but Cassie refused to come inside. Kate tried to call her inside but it didn't work so her mom came inside to grab a water and called for her to come inside, and started screaming at the dog, literally scaring both of them to death.
As Kate's mom slammed the door close she slammed her own door closed and locked herself in her room, slammed her face into her pillow and sobbed. I mean, she literally pour everything out of her. Her pillow was soaked, the comforter wrapped over her head, in hopes she'd suffocate herself and die, in hopes she'd choke herself with a stray thread and never have to wake up ever again. It was horrible, absolutely awful. The thoughts of the things that had been said running through her head, pulsing through her like lightning, like a strong impulse of pure suffering, pure hatred.
It made her hate her mom's friend Lisa even more. To think of the things that her mom and had said that she had planned. It made her want to chuck something or worse, take a knife to her chest, or an overdose of pills to her throat. A list of things she could do, a list of ways she could get out running through her head. Horrible things.
****
She still goes to school with a smile on her face. She still has a normal life, a normal story, a normal divorced family, a normal amount of talent. She's nothing special, she's nothing too ordinary, she's just Kate. But now, she goes through her life with secret lies, secrets she hides, because she's so ashamed to tell them. She's too ashamed to say she hates her life, that every night she dreams of ways she could escape, ways she make it all stop. She thinks of the reasons why she's so unloved, she's so...unimportant. She thinks of what she does that makes her dad get mad at her for no reason and her mom avoid her in every way she can. She tries to comprehend what she's done wrong, and when she thinks she's figured it out, she cries.
She cries and cries. She envisions herself in a better place, in a place where they only cry tears of joy, where pain doesn't exist, where there's nothing but beautiful light and pure happiness. She dreams of disappearing, of going to another place where she has a better life. Where she's beautiful, where the guy she loves, loves her back, where her friends don't back-stab her, where her mom doesn't abandon her every night, where her dad doesn't force her to do things that are unfair, where she has amazing talents. She dreams of a place where she's happy.
Genuinely happy...

Someone take a picture! But my phone's off!!!

Right now, I just wanna slap myself, slap myself as hard as I possible can! I'm having musical regrets, meaning, I really should have stuck with the clarinet thing I started back in 5th grade, I mean, honestly, NOBODY can be as stupid as me. I'd be with a lot of my friends in band, and it would make me more musically inclined, and I could have done something today that would have made me REALLY happy.
Soooo remember that boy? The boy that I ALWAYYYSSSS talk about on here, I mean like, always. The one who ignores me and is like torturing the heck out of me!? Yes, well, I think he's almost, pretty much caved. He's in marching band and well today in art....well, it was really interesting. I mean, REALLLYYYY interesting.
So this morning in choir Mr. Drinkal taught us some hand motions with the scale? in music, and Kelsey and I were doing them in class. Well EVERYBODY knows I'm a musical person and choir is like my thing. So when I got back to work he was all like, "Madison."
And I'm like, "huh? what?"
-I'm gonna use dialogue here, so KEEP UP! lolz -
And he said, "does choir do after school practices?"
"Uhmm no."
"Well what bus do you ride to the high school?"
"I don't ride a bus..."
"Oh that sucks" - but he actually said something else there. :/ - "cause after I get off the shuttle I'm just gonna stay at the high school til the game starts and I'm gonna be bored."
"Oh. Sorry..."
And when I turned around I wanted to slap MYSELF AS HARD AS I COULD! I mean he literally JUST asked me to hang out with him after school before the game and because of stupid budget cuts I had to say NO!!!! NO!? HOW COULD I POSSIBLY SAY NO!? I mean, I could just have my mom run me up there but then I'd look desperate to hang out with him if I did that, and that's a bad thing to do. I mean, he could've asked anyone, but he asked me! AHHHH!!!!!
I think I'm gonna die...
Grr! I feel so excited but so angry and so confused all at the SAME TIME! It feels like AH-MAZING!!! The excitement and happiness covers the ANGER! I mean, I'm only angry cause I had to turn him down, I'm mostly mad at this economy for RUINING IT FOR ME! DARN YOU BUDGET CUTS!!!!!
But besides the point, today was a pretty friggin awesome day. I started out a little emotional in art cause Monica wouldn't sit by me, and Taylor made fun of my laugh, and Brittany made me look stupid, and I just felt horrible, but my whole day just...changed, and the rest of the day I've been so smiley.
And in homeroom today Sarah and I got into a little fake fight where we were slapping each other back and forth and Morgan got into it and hit us with her Mardi Gras beads. But she hit my leg so hard I have welts, and the worse part, she hit me through my skirt. There's a perfect mark where the beads hit my leg, perfect little dots in two straight lines. It was awful. I mean like blistering pain.
But then we started to laugh cause my whole knee turned red and we could feel the welts when you ran your fingers over the mark.
And, the lunch lady made fun of me when I walked into the cafeteria. I'm always like the first person in there cause it takes me two seconds to get from homeroom to the cafeteria and when I walked in the first thing I smelled was bacon. I looked in her direction and my face got all bright and I yelled, "BACON!". She laughed at how I said it. It was really funny. It was like OHMYGOSH ITS BACON DAY!!!!
Over all, I love purple days...

You're a size 10!? I'm a size 10!!!

Right now, I'm so angry. My dad is turning literally NOTHING into a big deal. So what!? I dont wanna go over to his house all three days he's off? Is that such a crime!? I mean, for goodness sake lock me up behind bars and starve me to death because I don't wanna go to my dad's house every day he's off! Someone chop of my head and feed me to the rabid dogs!!!! I mean, seriously, he's gonna make it so I have NO WAY of getting home on Tuesday and Wednesday from school, so I'm screwed.
Sigh. I don't have any clue what I'm gonna do. Right now, I'm so angry, I wanna chuck something as hard as I can across the room and break whatever I can! I mean, I'm tempted to flip of the coffee table and slug a baseball bat into the TV screen! And besides that, my mom is completely ignoring me, again...but I won't go into details.
Well, today was my first show choir practice, and let's say, I'm pretty friggin pumped. It was rather difficult and I found out that I'm not flexible whatsoever, which is probably a disadvantage. But I was never really a good dancer anyway, I guess I just got lucky. But, I'm not sure, if this "show choir" thing is my thing. Sure, I love to sing, its a big part of me - though I don't do it too well - but still. But I get so...insecure when I'm around a few of the other show choir girls, its rather, intimidating. But, I think this is gonna be fun. The Soundwave dresses are beautiful and I love them, and luckily, they fit my body type PERFECTLY. Tight on the bust with some jewels, and flowy from there down. And no kidding the color, purple is rad. I'm so excited for this year!
And I think the best part is, people that didn't like me last year like me this year, and my old friends who weren't very good friends have stopped talking to me, I feel...happy. :)

I think I just imprinted.

Best friends are backstabbers.
Its a plain and simple fact. You think you know a person and then, tada, they act like a complete retard, hurt your feelings, and the next thing you know, you can't look them in the face anymore. Well, I guess you could say this is happening to me...again. Remember that guy who pretty much stole my heart? Yeah well, here we go, this has to do with him again. Same guy, pretty much a different issue.
He's so bipolar, I swear! I mean just two days ago he was glaring at me as we passed in the halls and today when we accidentally bumped into each other he just laughed and let me go by. I mean, is that weird at all? And when he and his friend walked by when Kiera and I were sitting outside waiting for my mom, he smiled at me. But then it made me go brain dead and I yelled at Jacob that my butt was about to burn off.
But Jacob is NOT the backstabber in this story.
So a great majority of my friends have to be picked up from school due to budget cuts at our school, so we all like to sit on the bench by the sidewalk and wait for our rides. So one of my good friends - but I will NOT use names here - was sitting next to me, and our other friend, Frankie, came up and started talking about that one guy's - again, not using names - brother, who is apparently, extremely HAWT! But what did that one friend have to say, that she knows bugs me into infinity?
"Oh yeah. I know a lot about his family. He has two brothers. His one brother is a Senior and plays the trombone!" Its like thanks so much for rubbing that in my face, but, haha, I ALREADY KNEW THAT!!!
I guess I'm just one of those people where my friends are NOT allowed to get involved with him, because I feel like they only do it because I liked him first. I mean, its difficult to sit with his other crush at lunch and watch other girls flirt with him, cause let's face it, he's a loser! Let's just put it this way, i like you you like me I'm single and you're single. What am I missing here? I mean if you're interested in me, then for God's sake ASK ME OUT! I'm not usually the kind of girl that says no. I've been single my entire life, and I'm a friggin Freshman!!!
But what I think is my problem, is that, I just don't understand. I mean, I've put so much time into this, and he's told me that he's liked me before, why makes me so...unlikeable? People who have never seen me in real life think I'm marvelous. I don't wanna be big-headed here, but I'm quiet and nice and a typically cool person to be around, but when you get a look at me, one good look, its like, suddenly I'm not the girl saying the words through the phone, or texting the things I say, or typing them out through the keyboard. Its like, when the world looks at me, I'm not longer cool and exciting, I'm just a loser. I'm just an ugly...thing, wandering around aimlessly, and I have no where to go.
I guess if you wanna put my situation(s) into perspective you could say that I'm a werewolf and this guy, he's just an innocent guy walking around. And being that I'm a werewolf I don't really care, until I get a really good look at him and I realize, I just imprinted. So now its at a point where he's gravity, holding me down, but he and I know we're just not compatible, but I HAVE to be with him. I wanna break free, but I just can't. So now I'm trapped. I say that I'm over it, cause believe me, I am soooo over this crap, but I just can't let go. So now, I'm screwed.
Again, thats what I get. For being a lovestruck teenage girl...

Quarterback? That means football, right?

So has anyone ever just totally got on your nerves that you wanna just go up and punch them in the face? Its like WHAHA I just punched you in your face and now you're going DOWN! So much for messing with me you punk!!!! And those were the exact thoughts running through your head, but you knew if you did it you'd get into some MAJOR trouble?
Yeah? Well that's how it feels when you see your ex-crush walking down the hallway and he's still got those same beautiful eyes and that baby face that makes you melt every time and you just wanna go up to him and say, "DANG WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL!?" And you just wanna punch the beautiful right out of them!
First of all, this guy, he's got these eyes, these brown eyes - and anyone who knows me knows that I am a sucker for brown eyes - and he used to have this totally luscious brown, swoopy hair, and it was like looking at a pimply side of perfect. But, I'm pretty sure I was the only one who felt that way about him...well maybe not...
Ok, so lets set up another scenario. Say its one of the BIGGEST days of your life? Like a big dance that you've been talking about since the beginning of the year? And this guy that you've liked since your birthday in November keeps giving you these little signals that you should ask him to the dance, and when you do, he turns you down flat, through a freaking text message. Ok, then let's say its the day of the dance and you're hanging out with a group of your friends and he's there, taunting you with every move he makes, and then one of your friends tells you that she likes him too, and she KNOWS you like him!
Well what the freak do you do!?
A normal person would say, "get the heck OVER IT!" But what if you just can't? You just can't get him out of your mind and you tell yourself you're over it but you're not. And he's in your two favorite classes, and because your last names are so close alphabetically you don't sit that far apart either, so now you're screwed.
What now?
Well welcome to my freaking world. My two favorite classes on purple days at school have him in them. I love science and he sits two seats in front of me, and in art, two seats over! I mean, when I see him talking to the girls he sits next to I tell myself, "oh its ok, cause I'm over him, so if he did go out with one of them, I wouldn't care." But the thing about it, I DO CARE! I FREAKING CARE!!! I wanna be over him, I do, so badly. I wanna go to bed and not pray that things will be ok for me, that I'm blest to know my happily ever after is coming and that I'm not gonna end up lonely and content with this. I don't wanna tell myself that I'm ok with being lonely, that its alright to be broken and forever stay that way.
I don't know why my first blog is about this subject, because all my friends who read this know what I'm talking about, because I've told them this a million times, but do they really know? Do they really get it? I mean, I ask them constantly, what should I do? And what do they tell me? "Get over it." "Move on." "It'll be ok." Yeah well you know what? RIGHT NOW ITS NOT OK! I can help pretty much help
everyone with almost any problem, I'm the advice giver, but it really sucks when people can come to you for anything and you know what to say but when you go to them nobody has a reasonable way of helping. Has anyone ever thought that maybe giving up is the loser thing to do and that's why I wont do it? Has anyone considered that maybe I don't wanna give up?
My mom says I should play hard to get and act like I don't care about anything he does, and believe me, I'm trying hard to do it. But today during art when we were taking notes in the computer lab and he laughed at me, I mean not the 'she's a freak' laugh, but the cute 'that was really funny of her to say' laugh, I couldn't help but smile. Sitting with my friend Nicole trying to figure out if the teacher was talking about football or basketball is a great way to get a smile out of him, and I'd do it anytime. Even now that his smile has been disturbed by braces, he's still got that very special look to him.
I honestly am trying to understand the things going through my head right now. I mean, maybe I should give up, maybe I shouldn't care what he does or how that affects my life, because really, he's just a heartbreak in the making and I know that from experience. But I believe that love exists at this age and even if nobody else believes me, I'm convinced I've fallen in love and its really hard to get over something like this.
But I don't wanna ramble on about boy issues when there are sooooo many other things going on in this world, especially the life of a typical teenage girl on her third day of Freshman year. Let's face it, its a tough life, and when you're gazing between the trees, sometimes the inner animal refuses to come loose. You just can't be yourself in a world like this. Let's face it, some people play football and some play basketball...