Check out my new blog:
http://outsideinvaderxx.blogspot.com/
all blog posts will now happen on this blog page!
bye-bye.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Touched.
Have you ever considered life? Seriously? Just actually sat down and thought about it, about how much its given you, all that you have, everything you've been so greatly blessed with. Be honest now. Just give it your deepest answer, have you ever just realized everything you have is all you need to be a good person? And that maybe, being not the best at everything is what's right for you. Because when you're faced with death, you see that you have everything...
At my church there's this 13 year old girl, who on October 9th will be 14. She has spent her entire life with major health problems, mostly in her heart. All she wants is to be a normal teenage, 8th grade girl. When I was in 8th grade she sat next to me in choir and to be honest, she wasn't the best singer, but she had a big heart and an attitude to match. And her name is Marissa Orlando. Beautiful, inside and out.
Could you imagine it? From birth being fragile in your main life source, your heart. Having to spend your life getting surgeries, pretty much living in the hospital. But even through it, Marissa, she smiles and tries to be happy. Its hard to face trials in your life, but what if they were so hard they brought you face-to-face with death? How scared would you be? What if you were the one who had to be enduring this? The one who no one would have ever expected to be like this? Do you ever consider what you have?
Be grateful. Look at you, look at me. My whole I've been nothing but a lazy bum, sitting around doing nothing, wasting my time. Eating junkfood and not getting up and making myself a healthy, happy person. Now look at where I am. I'm blessed. Because even though I've spent so time being so unhealthy I still have a strong heart and lungs, because God blessed me that way, he gave me life that was strong and willful. But one girl, one happy-go-lucky girl who I have been so ever blessed to meet in my life has touched me, without even knowing it.
I hear her story, I've talked to her, I've sang beside her, and boy do I wish I had been more aware of her life beside me. Lives are precious but we take it all for granted. We take everything we have for granted. We're lazy and stupid. Look at school for example. How many of you are relieved at the end of the day when you don't have any homework assignments? How many of you don't want to study because it takes up too much time? Yeah, well look at Marissa who begs to have her homework brought to her, because every moment of her precious life needs to be lived to its fullest. Why are we any different?
Why do we look at our time as endless, as if ever second doesn't matter, as if we can let an hour go by watching TV or texting or messaging each other on Facebook pass us and we don't even care? Why do we act so stupid? Why do we take our LIVES for granted? We only have so long to live, and so far we're screwing it up.
God has created us to live our lives to the fullest, doing his work, doing our work, loving each other, helping each other. He didn't create us to sit around and ignore him, or ignore the lives of others. He's brought us up to care and we obviously aren't listening. I'm guilty as charged, I've spent my life on the couch with the TV only eye shot away. But it took one girl, and one story to change my life, to change how I see things.
I'm freaking blessed. God has gifted me with a healthy heart and lungs, with a healthy body which I have wasted and ruined. God has gifted me with talents including writing, drawing, and singing, and what have I done? Compared myself to others. Ruined my self into believing that thought I've been gifted, its just not good enough. God has gifted me with beauty, inside and out, but I've spent my life acting like I'm the ugliest thing to walk this planet, and I ignore it when other people notice what God has given me. Why do we treat ourselves like this? Why do I treat myself like this? Why do I act like I've been forsaken and that God has made me in ruins only to make me experience torture itself, because he hasn't? He loves me, and he loves you, and he loves that little girl who opened my eyes, even though his plan including making her go through what she has.
You think: how can God be so cruel to just a little 13 year old girl? But he does this so people who are wasting away, people like me, can have their eyes and hearts opened and can change, so they can move towards him instead of away. He's put many people through hardships, only so they can learn and teach others. Where would you be if God never put you through anything? Would you be uptight and mean? Would you be so full of yourself that fear meant nothing to you, because God made fear nonexistent in your world? Is that the kind of life you'd like to live? Hated by others, loved only by God, selfish and mean. Is that what God has called for us to do with our lives?
But you know what the sad thing is: Marissa treated everyone nicely back then in choir, and everyone else treated her like crap. They called her names, talked about her behind her back, thought cruel things about her, even dismissed her as a friend because they were afraid of loosing their reputation because she wasn't the most popular girl. And I need to be included in that list of people...
But now that I see straight, I'm gonna stand up and apologize and when I see her again tell her that I am definitely sorry for not being a good friend to her when she was to me. I'm gonna hug her and love her, like God has called for me to do. And because God loves me as much as I love her, I know I am forgiven and that He knows I am sorry for what I've done and that I've changed. It took this dramatic turn in Marissa's life for me to see, that I've been living in the darkness for so long, pretending that I'm actually seeing the light, when all I had was nothingness around me.
So the point I'm trying to make is be grateful, for everything you have. Your health, your friends, your family, your talents, and your life. God has blessed you with those things and we just take it all for granted, pretending like it doesn't matter if another second of our life is wasted. And we also need to make a bigger effort to love others, because God wants us to, that's what he's called us to do. He wants us to look at those who need and help and say, "I'm here for you, because I love you." We need to be more kind and thoughtful and we need to do stuff for others, for those who are sick and unhealthy, or who are poor and weak. Because that's why God gave us our life, to help other lives. We're called to follow his lead and take our own stand on saving the world. And if we don't, we might as well not have a life at all...
If you've been touched by Marissa's story, stand up and talk about it. She's one of God's messengers. He's sent her to show us that we aren't forsaken, we aren't damned, we still have a chance. He's shown us that even though we've been living in darkness this long, we have a chance to follow Him. And if we ignore this, well, kudos to you, and good luck. But my eyes have been opened up to my friend's story, and I hope yours have too. Learn to love, because in the end, that's all that matters. Love really, really matters...
At my church there's this 13 year old girl, who on October 9th will be 14. She has spent her entire life with major health problems, mostly in her heart. All she wants is to be a normal teenage, 8th grade girl. When I was in 8th grade she sat next to me in choir and to be honest, she wasn't the best singer, but she had a big heart and an attitude to match. And her name is Marissa Orlando. Beautiful, inside and out.
Could you imagine it? From birth being fragile in your main life source, your heart. Having to spend your life getting surgeries, pretty much living in the hospital. But even through it, Marissa, she smiles and tries to be happy. Its hard to face trials in your life, but what if they were so hard they brought you face-to-face with death? How scared would you be? What if you were the one who had to be enduring this? The one who no one would have ever expected to be like this? Do you ever consider what you have?
Be grateful. Look at you, look at me. My whole I've been nothing but a lazy bum, sitting around doing nothing, wasting my time. Eating junkfood and not getting up and making myself a healthy, happy person. Now look at where I am. I'm blessed. Because even though I've spent so time being so unhealthy I still have a strong heart and lungs, because God blessed me that way, he gave me life that was strong and willful. But one girl, one happy-go-lucky girl who I have been so ever blessed to meet in my life has touched me, without even knowing it.
I hear her story, I've talked to her, I've sang beside her, and boy do I wish I had been more aware of her life beside me. Lives are precious but we take it all for granted. We take everything we have for granted. We're lazy and stupid. Look at school for example. How many of you are relieved at the end of the day when you don't have any homework assignments? How many of you don't want to study because it takes up too much time? Yeah, well look at Marissa who begs to have her homework brought to her, because every moment of her precious life needs to be lived to its fullest. Why are we any different?
Why do we look at our time as endless, as if ever second doesn't matter, as if we can let an hour go by watching TV or texting or messaging each other on Facebook pass us and we don't even care? Why do we act so stupid? Why do we take our LIVES for granted? We only have so long to live, and so far we're screwing it up.
God has created us to live our lives to the fullest, doing his work, doing our work, loving each other, helping each other. He didn't create us to sit around and ignore him, or ignore the lives of others. He's brought us up to care and we obviously aren't listening. I'm guilty as charged, I've spent my life on the couch with the TV only eye shot away. But it took one girl, and one story to change my life, to change how I see things.
I'm freaking blessed. God has gifted me with a healthy heart and lungs, with a healthy body which I have wasted and ruined. God has gifted me with talents including writing, drawing, and singing, and what have I done? Compared myself to others. Ruined my self into believing that thought I've been gifted, its just not good enough. God has gifted me with beauty, inside and out, but I've spent my life acting like I'm the ugliest thing to walk this planet, and I ignore it when other people notice what God has given me. Why do we treat ourselves like this? Why do I treat myself like this? Why do I act like I've been forsaken and that God has made me in ruins only to make me experience torture itself, because he hasn't? He loves me, and he loves you, and he loves that little girl who opened my eyes, even though his plan including making her go through what she has.
You think: how can God be so cruel to just a little 13 year old girl? But he does this so people who are wasting away, people like me, can have their eyes and hearts opened and can change, so they can move towards him instead of away. He's put many people through hardships, only so they can learn and teach others. Where would you be if God never put you through anything? Would you be uptight and mean? Would you be so full of yourself that fear meant nothing to you, because God made fear nonexistent in your world? Is that the kind of life you'd like to live? Hated by others, loved only by God, selfish and mean. Is that what God has called for us to do with our lives?
But you know what the sad thing is: Marissa treated everyone nicely back then in choir, and everyone else treated her like crap. They called her names, talked about her behind her back, thought cruel things about her, even dismissed her as a friend because they were afraid of loosing their reputation because she wasn't the most popular girl. And I need to be included in that list of people...
But now that I see straight, I'm gonna stand up and apologize and when I see her again tell her that I am definitely sorry for not being a good friend to her when she was to me. I'm gonna hug her and love her, like God has called for me to do. And because God loves me as much as I love her, I know I am forgiven and that He knows I am sorry for what I've done and that I've changed. It took this dramatic turn in Marissa's life for me to see, that I've been living in the darkness for so long, pretending that I'm actually seeing the light, when all I had was nothingness around me.
So the point I'm trying to make is be grateful, for everything you have. Your health, your friends, your family, your talents, and your life. God has blessed you with those things and we just take it all for granted, pretending like it doesn't matter if another second of our life is wasted. And we also need to make a bigger effort to love others, because God wants us to, that's what he's called us to do. He wants us to look at those who need and help and say, "I'm here for you, because I love you." We need to be more kind and thoughtful and we need to do stuff for others, for those who are sick and unhealthy, or who are poor and weak. Because that's why God gave us our life, to help other lives. We're called to follow his lead and take our own stand on saving the world. And if we don't, we might as well not have a life at all...
If you've been touched by Marissa's story, stand up and talk about it. She's one of God's messengers. He's sent her to show us that we aren't forsaken, we aren't damned, we still have a chance. He's shown us that even though we've been living in darkness this long, we have a chance to follow Him. And if we ignore this, well, kudos to you, and good luck. But my eyes have been opened up to my friend's story, and I hope yours have too. Learn to love, because in the end, that's all that matters. Love really, really matters...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
nananananana....BATMAN!
Again, I am making a disclaimer. The title is funny, the message is not.
****
Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow. I mean honestly, what kind of person does this kind of stuff, makes this much drama out of nothing? I don't understand why all of a sudden I've became a super bad guy and everyone has decided to hate me. They say, "don't pick sides. don't start crap. don't spread rumors. be careful what you say." but its all crap down the drain, I mean literally, down the freaking toilet. You can't say this stuff and not mean it, because then you're a hypocrite, and that's just stupid.
Ok, so yesterday's blog was totally MISUNDERSTOOD, by a specific person, who - again - I will not name, though this time she can be absolutely sure its her. Ok, I didn't write specifically about her, I wrote about people in general, because its an obvious fact, people will backstab you if you're not careful. And I find it slightly pathetic that this person won't take my apology and will keep acting as if I'm out to get her, which is untrue. You know, she's saying that my opinions are set and that I think she's horrible, but I don't. I have nothing against her, nobody does, but now that I'm being accused of treating her badly and spreading untrue crap about her, I'm suddenly public enemy number 1.
Well you know what? I'M FED UP! I'm fed up pretending like everything that happens in my life doesn't bother me! I'm fed up acting like I'm just fine being the last one picked for EVERYTHING! I'm tired of hearing,'wanna come over?' 'sure. why are you asking so late.' 'cause i asked everyone else first and they said no.' Thanks guys, a whole lot. Well I'm not doing it anymore! I'm not letting people push me around because I'm NOT the prettiest girl in school, I'm NOT the most talented one in show choir/drama, I'm NOT the most popular person in Troy, and you know what say what you want about me, spread what you want, because I don't need to prove myself to anyone or anything! I know where I stand and if you wanna backstab me and tell me I'm worthless, DO IT, see if I care!
Those people who look down at me who call me quiet and a pushover, you don't know me so shut up. You people that pretend to be my friends then get PO'd about one little thing, get a life. I'm not a vending machine, ok? I can't give you everything whenever you ask me for it then push me around when I don't give you the thing you wanted. I'm not gonna bend down at your feet and worship the words you say and the places you've walked, I'm my own person and I'm NOT letting you control my life.
And to those people who act like you're so great because you're funny and always happy, well everyone has problems, and rejecting constructive criticism is stupid and arrogant. When someone says something about you, do you just roll your eyes and turn your shoulder, angry and offended or do you look them in the face and say thanks for the help, i needed it? Imagine what its like to be the person who's trying to help, who's trying to make sense of everything that's going on and that person just turns around and blows a casket, telling you you're low and doing things to make you feel horrible. Imagine if you kept saying sorry, that you'll fix it, that you'll do whatever you can to make it better and they just turn the other cheek and treat you like something their dog dug up from the back yard.
Imagine that you're in the same situation as me.
You try not to start drama, you try to fix drama you start, you try to help other people with their drama, but there's that one person that just won't forgive you, that just won't let it go to save a friendship, to save other people's friendships. What if that person was supposed to be one of your best friends and they just keep at it? You see em down the hall and they're talking to their other friends really loud so you hear it and it makes you feel worse, it makes you feel like you need to go beat them up or beat yourself up. It makes you wonder if maybe you shouldn't be alive because you're not important to anybody anymore.
You know, if maybe the world would just shut and listen, would stop being so conceited, would stop telling themselves they're better than others, we wouldn't ever have to feel this way, we wouldn't ever have to wonder if maybe we don't belong. How does it feel to have your friend backstab you? To have the guy you love reject you? To watch your best friend turn into a snob? To sit in the back seat your entire life because you're afraid to take the reins? Has anyone ever noticed that these things are caused by other people trying to convince you to be this way, and they're winning?
What would you do if one day those people disappeared and you had a chance to live the way you want to? You had the chance to be happy? For just a second of your life? For just a day? What would do with it?
Would live the dreams you've been hiding? Would you tell the world how you feel? Would you take a stand on what you believe in? Would you forget about your insecurities and just live? If you had just one chance to be exactly what would wanna be, would you do it?
Than do it! Don't forget where you stand! There are people in this world that will try and tear you down, that will convince you that you are nothing but pond scum on a hot day in July. They will pull at you and start drama about you. They will stop talking to you and make you feel like all the bad things in the world are your fault.
Well whoever reads this, I dare you for just a whole day to pretend like you've got a chance. I want you to go up to those people and tell them what you think, to go and show them you're not afraid anymore. For just a day forget about being insecure, forget about all the things that are bad in your life, just go and live and dream. If you're not afraid you'll stand up for what you believe in and you wont back down!
And to those of you, who are the ones starting this crap, you're the ones getting in somebody else's way, back down and shut up. You need to wake up and realize its not about you and that maybe the person whose hurt you or is "messing up your life" or is "spreading rumors and lie", listen. Just listen. Just forgive and forget, roll it off like its not a big deal, because its true, if you're bitter and hateful over stupid things, get over it. Nobody's out to get you and nobody's here to hurt you, especially me. I'm not wasting time, so why are you? You've only got so long to live and one life to live it.
Do you wanna live it hating others?
****
Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow. I mean honestly, what kind of person does this kind of stuff, makes this much drama out of nothing? I don't understand why all of a sudden I've became a super bad guy and everyone has decided to hate me. They say, "don't pick sides. don't start crap. don't spread rumors. be careful what you say." but its all crap down the drain, I mean literally, down the freaking toilet. You can't say this stuff and not mean it, because then you're a hypocrite, and that's just stupid.
Ok, so yesterday's blog was totally MISUNDERSTOOD, by a specific person, who - again - I will not name, though this time she can be absolutely sure its her. Ok, I didn't write specifically about her, I wrote about people in general, because its an obvious fact, people will backstab you if you're not careful. And I find it slightly pathetic that this person won't take my apology and will keep acting as if I'm out to get her, which is untrue. You know, she's saying that my opinions are set and that I think she's horrible, but I don't. I have nothing against her, nobody does, but now that I'm being accused of treating her badly and spreading untrue crap about her, I'm suddenly public enemy number 1.
Well you know what? I'M FED UP! I'm fed up pretending like everything that happens in my life doesn't bother me! I'm fed up acting like I'm just fine being the last one picked for EVERYTHING! I'm tired of hearing,'wanna come over?' 'sure. why are you asking so late.' 'cause i asked everyone else first and they said no.' Thanks guys, a whole lot. Well I'm not doing it anymore! I'm not letting people push me around because I'm NOT the prettiest girl in school, I'm NOT the most talented one in show choir/drama, I'm NOT the most popular person in Troy, and you know what say what you want about me, spread what you want, because I don't need to prove myself to anyone or anything! I know where I stand and if you wanna backstab me and tell me I'm worthless, DO IT, see if I care!
Those people who look down at me who call me quiet and a pushover, you don't know me so shut up. You people that pretend to be my friends then get PO'd about one little thing, get a life. I'm not a vending machine, ok? I can't give you everything whenever you ask me for it then push me around when I don't give you the thing you wanted. I'm not gonna bend down at your feet and worship the words you say and the places you've walked, I'm my own person and I'm NOT letting you control my life.
And to those people who act like you're so great because you're funny and always happy, well everyone has problems, and rejecting constructive criticism is stupid and arrogant. When someone says something about you, do you just roll your eyes and turn your shoulder, angry and offended or do you look them in the face and say thanks for the help, i needed it? Imagine what its like to be the person who's trying to help, who's trying to make sense of everything that's going on and that person just turns around and blows a casket, telling you you're low and doing things to make you feel horrible. Imagine if you kept saying sorry, that you'll fix it, that you'll do whatever you can to make it better and they just turn the other cheek and treat you like something their dog dug up from the back yard.
Imagine that you're in the same situation as me.
You try not to start drama, you try to fix drama you start, you try to help other people with their drama, but there's that one person that just won't forgive you, that just won't let it go to save a friendship, to save other people's friendships. What if that person was supposed to be one of your best friends and they just keep at it? You see em down the hall and they're talking to their other friends really loud so you hear it and it makes you feel worse, it makes you feel like you need to go beat them up or beat yourself up. It makes you wonder if maybe you shouldn't be alive because you're not important to anybody anymore.
You know, if maybe the world would just shut and listen, would stop being so conceited, would stop telling themselves they're better than others, we wouldn't ever have to feel this way, we wouldn't ever have to wonder if maybe we don't belong. How does it feel to have your friend backstab you? To have the guy you love reject you? To watch your best friend turn into a snob? To sit in the back seat your entire life because you're afraid to take the reins? Has anyone ever noticed that these things are caused by other people trying to convince you to be this way, and they're winning?
What would you do if one day those people disappeared and you had a chance to live the way you want to? You had the chance to be happy? For just a second of your life? For just a day? What would do with it?
Would live the dreams you've been hiding? Would you tell the world how you feel? Would you take a stand on what you believe in? Would you forget about your insecurities and just live? If you had just one chance to be exactly what would wanna be, would you do it?
Than do it! Don't forget where you stand! There are people in this world that will try and tear you down, that will convince you that you are nothing but pond scum on a hot day in July. They will pull at you and start drama about you. They will stop talking to you and make you feel like all the bad things in the world are your fault.
Well whoever reads this, I dare you for just a whole day to pretend like you've got a chance. I want you to go up to those people and tell them what you think, to go and show them you're not afraid anymore. For just a day forget about being insecure, forget about all the things that are bad in your life, just go and live and dream. If you're not afraid you'll stand up for what you believe in and you wont back down!
And to those of you, who are the ones starting this crap, you're the ones getting in somebody else's way, back down and shut up. You need to wake up and realize its not about you and that maybe the person whose hurt you or is "messing up your life" or is "spreading rumors and lie", listen. Just listen. Just forgive and forget, roll it off like its not a big deal, because its true, if you're bitter and hateful over stupid things, get over it. Nobody's out to get you and nobody's here to hurt you, especially me. I'm not wasting time, so why are you? You've only got so long to live and one life to live it.
Do you wanna live it hating others?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Its Johnny Appleseed!
DISCLAIMER: Though the title of this blog is humorous and totally random I'd like to inform you that the words in this blog will not be. In today's blog I will be talking about some intense subjects that have built up in the last few days. Maybe its a happy moment of a beautiful day, but in the end we're all forced to realize, nothing really is as it seems.
****
You can't stop fate, its a hard fact of life, its just something your instinct is naturally born with, its like a law of nature, nothing messes up fate besides God, and mostly, God is fate. But some people, some incredibly lucky people, try. They try to tell themselves that they're gonna get their happily ever after and everything's gonna work out wonderfully, but its just a voice in their head trying to keep them positive and confident.
What happens when everything you know just dies? You get caught up in this dream, this reality of happiness, this sensation that maybe - just maybe - nothing bad is going to happen...ever! You get so washed up in this beautiful mess that even your best friends are side-tracked by it, and everyone just sorta wonders around in this semi-happy attitude. You know, 'I'm so happy for them.'
Well let's say this semi-happiness just gets up an dumps you. Well, this didn't happen to me, but it happened to someone whose very close to me, and frankly the talk about it makes me want to puke. After six months everyone wants to know where it went wrong, everyone wants all the dirty little details so they can just spread it around, so they just have it engraved in their head. But does anyone ever think? Does anyone ever consider that maybe the two most important people in the gossip - the victims - are the most hurt, the ones who DON'T want anyone to know what went down?
Yeah? Well when we talk about it at the lunch table, his best friend is telling her other friend what happened and then the entire table wants to know, then the table next to them, and then the entire cafeteria is a hushed gossip. So now, everyone is choosing sides. Am I on her side? Or am I on his? Where do I stand? Who should I agree with? What should I do to help? And then, the part that ticks me off the most is when I say I'm on her side and my friend says she's on his side, and I'm the only one there defending her case, because everyone else thinks he's the innocent one. Well stop rolling your eyes when I talk about her because you don't know!!!! You think he's the innocent one, I think she's the innocent one, you think I'm crazy, I think you're crazy! You only say what you say because I know you're secret! I know that deep, deep down you're happy that he's single, so you can snatch him up and keep him all for yourself, and believe me, you know who you are (though you probably won't read this), and I'm NOT gonna let you get away with it.
Its kinda of sad actually. This...difference in our way of life. This change to our reality. This....mess up. Its like we convinced ourselves, their friends, they convinced each other that maybe, just maybe, it was possible for absolute, true-love could happen at this age. It was like we looked at them as the perfect happy couple, the couple that would most likely end up getting married and having kids, and spending all of eternity together. So now that its over, its like a big slap in the face for us, like fate just proved us wrong. And its almost sad to envision ourselves without this perfect dream to look up to. Its like a child looking up to their favorite superhero and finding out, its just a made-believe person. Fate has just booted us out of the happiness in our minds and kicked us to the curb, and now we're poor and living like ghosts on the streets of reality and we don't know where to go next.
Could you imagine waking up everyday and saying, 'whoa, I'm madly in love.' and then the next morning you wake up and its like everything's dark, its all over. Its like God turned of the lights on everything you thought was real and now he's saying, "start over. this isn't right for you." Its almost a cruel reality, you can just hear yourself thinking how could God be so heartless? But its obviously gotta be for the better, no matter how hard you refuse to admit it.
We try to tell ourselves that its impossible to stay happy forever, that nobody's perfect, that love can't exist in a young, adolescent world. But what do they know? How many people have read satisitcs that say, "a large percent of adolescent teens are trying too hard to find love." Yeah? Well how many of those satistics are written by 40-year-old adults? Think about it. Nobody knows what its like to be in young love, unless you're actually young people in love! The most brilliant psychiatrists can tell them that it's gonna be hard but they'll eventually get over it, that doing drugs and crying is not going to answer they're problems, and maybe its true, but when everything you love is taken away what else do you have to believe in? It makes you happy, for just a moment, everything is alright and you think to yourself that I'm happy, finally, finally just happy, and when its over...you're back to being sad. So all those people who have never been hurt like this, who have never been this way, shut up. You know NOTHING. You can't expect those hurt people to get over it just so they'll be normal again.
But what really is normal?
Everyone's different, nobody can be exactly like another person. You can try as hard as you can, but you're gonna fail. And you can pretend like you're just like that other person, but you're a liar. If normal means being like robots, then this world is not normal. Nothing is normal. "This is normal behavior for teenage girls." No! There is no such thing as normal! Its a lie! Everyone is unique so everyone goes through unique things. You can say you went through the same thing, but you didn't actually, you've been through similar things.
So, you can ask, what am I trying to say here?
You can't expect someone to just move on. Its impossible. If you can get dumped by the guy you've gone out with 6 months and just get over it the next second, you are an alien and you need to be kicked off this planet. But the point is: instead of telling your hurt friend to just get over, do something about it. Stop sitting there gossiping about their story or deciding which side you're gonna be on. GET UP! Go over to that person and tell them how much they mean to you, and that because you're their friend you will willing drop EVERYTHING to help them out. You will the one with an open house saying, "come over when ever you want." Tell them you just want listen to them, you just wanna hug them and just be there. Stop being a gossiper, stop rolling your eyes about their sadness and calling them over-dramatic, STOP BEING A BACKSTABBER! Because when someone goes through something like this, it makes them realize whose true and whose fake, and they don't need that piled to their plate. So if you wanna be a good friend, and you wanna stand up, by God's name STAND UP!
Forget everything, forget what's on your mind. When you're selfless and a good friend, and someone gets hurt like this, pained like this, you're little insecurities, like "he didn't even say hi to me today" means NOTHING! If you're so selfish that you will just blow off you're best friend like that and tell them to move on, then get out! If I know you and we're all friends, then that's it, we're not friends. I want friends who are there for me, who have my back when I need it, who will shut up and comfort me when I'm dumped, don't you?
I guess its true: when you realize love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small....
****
You can't stop fate, its a hard fact of life, its just something your instinct is naturally born with, its like a law of nature, nothing messes up fate besides God, and mostly, God is fate. But some people, some incredibly lucky people, try. They try to tell themselves that they're gonna get their happily ever after and everything's gonna work out wonderfully, but its just a voice in their head trying to keep them positive and confident.
What happens when everything you know just dies? You get caught up in this dream, this reality of happiness, this sensation that maybe - just maybe - nothing bad is going to happen...ever! You get so washed up in this beautiful mess that even your best friends are side-tracked by it, and everyone just sorta wonders around in this semi-happy attitude. You know, 'I'm so happy for them.'
Well let's say this semi-happiness just gets up an dumps you. Well, this didn't happen to me, but it happened to someone whose very close to me, and frankly the talk about it makes me want to puke. After six months everyone wants to know where it went wrong, everyone wants all the dirty little details so they can just spread it around, so they just have it engraved in their head. But does anyone ever think? Does anyone ever consider that maybe the two most important people in the gossip - the victims - are the most hurt, the ones who DON'T want anyone to know what went down?
Yeah? Well when we talk about it at the lunch table, his best friend is telling her other friend what happened and then the entire table wants to know, then the table next to them, and then the entire cafeteria is a hushed gossip. So now, everyone is choosing sides. Am I on her side? Or am I on his? Where do I stand? Who should I agree with? What should I do to help? And then, the part that ticks me off the most is when I say I'm on her side and my friend says she's on his side, and I'm the only one there defending her case, because everyone else thinks he's the innocent one. Well stop rolling your eyes when I talk about her because you don't know!!!! You think he's the innocent one, I think she's the innocent one, you think I'm crazy, I think you're crazy! You only say what you say because I know you're secret! I know that deep, deep down you're happy that he's single, so you can snatch him up and keep him all for yourself, and believe me, you know who you are (though you probably won't read this), and I'm NOT gonna let you get away with it.
Its kinda of sad actually. This...difference in our way of life. This change to our reality. This....mess up. Its like we convinced ourselves, their friends, they convinced each other that maybe, just maybe, it was possible for absolute, true-love could happen at this age. It was like we looked at them as the perfect happy couple, the couple that would most likely end up getting married and having kids, and spending all of eternity together. So now that its over, its like a big slap in the face for us, like fate just proved us wrong. And its almost sad to envision ourselves without this perfect dream to look up to. Its like a child looking up to their favorite superhero and finding out, its just a made-believe person. Fate has just booted us out of the happiness in our minds and kicked us to the curb, and now we're poor and living like ghosts on the streets of reality and we don't know where to go next.
Could you imagine waking up everyday and saying, 'whoa, I'm madly in love.' and then the next morning you wake up and its like everything's dark, its all over. Its like God turned of the lights on everything you thought was real and now he's saying, "start over. this isn't right for you." Its almost a cruel reality, you can just hear yourself thinking how could God be so heartless? But its obviously gotta be for the better, no matter how hard you refuse to admit it.
We try to tell ourselves that its impossible to stay happy forever, that nobody's perfect, that love can't exist in a young, adolescent world. But what do they know? How many people have read satisitcs that say, "a large percent of adolescent teens are trying too hard to find love." Yeah? Well how many of those satistics are written by 40-year-old adults? Think about it. Nobody knows what its like to be in young love, unless you're actually young people in love! The most brilliant psychiatrists can tell them that it's gonna be hard but they'll eventually get over it, that doing drugs and crying is not going to answer they're problems, and maybe its true, but when everything you love is taken away what else do you have to believe in? It makes you happy, for just a moment, everything is alright and you think to yourself that I'm happy, finally, finally just happy, and when its over...you're back to being sad. So all those people who have never been hurt like this, who have never been this way, shut up. You know NOTHING. You can't expect those hurt people to get over it just so they'll be normal again.
But what really is normal?
Everyone's different, nobody can be exactly like another person. You can try as hard as you can, but you're gonna fail. And you can pretend like you're just like that other person, but you're a liar. If normal means being like robots, then this world is not normal. Nothing is normal. "This is normal behavior for teenage girls." No! There is no such thing as normal! Its a lie! Everyone is unique so everyone goes through unique things. You can say you went through the same thing, but you didn't actually, you've been through similar things.
So, you can ask, what am I trying to say here?
You can't expect someone to just move on. Its impossible. If you can get dumped by the guy you've gone out with 6 months and just get over it the next second, you are an alien and you need to be kicked off this planet. But the point is: instead of telling your hurt friend to just get over, do something about it. Stop sitting there gossiping about their story or deciding which side you're gonna be on. GET UP! Go over to that person and tell them how much they mean to you, and that because you're their friend you will willing drop EVERYTHING to help them out. You will the one with an open house saying, "come over when ever you want." Tell them you just want listen to them, you just wanna hug them and just be there. Stop being a gossiper, stop rolling your eyes about their sadness and calling them over-dramatic, STOP BEING A BACKSTABBER! Because when someone goes through something like this, it makes them realize whose true and whose fake, and they don't need that piled to their plate. So if you wanna be a good friend, and you wanna stand up, by God's name STAND UP!
Forget everything, forget what's on your mind. When you're selfless and a good friend, and someone gets hurt like this, pained like this, you're little insecurities, like "he didn't even say hi to me today" means NOTHING! If you're so selfish that you will just blow off you're best friend like that and tell them to move on, then get out! If I know you and we're all friends, then that's it, we're not friends. I want friends who are there for me, who have my back when I need it, who will shut up and comfort me when I'm dumped, don't you?
I guess its true: when you realize love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small....
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Secret Lies
Usual, in these blogs, I go on and on about the most current drama or things on my mind, but today, I'll be expressing it through another way. All I've got is a story to tell, based off...real...events, but I'll be using fake names as the characters.
So here it goes:
Kate, a normal girl, normal life, normal talents, normal story. She had long, luscious curls, a soft face, a pair of hazel eyes, and a shape she wasn't very proud of, but a face to pull it off. She had a fun, easy-going sense of style in her wardrobe and attitude, and she always came to school with a smile on her face. She laughed and she joked and she always had fun with her friends, but it was too bad she had a second life that she refused to let anybody know about.
It was a normal weekend, most normal weekend as ever. A bright, end of summer day, a pretty lazy day. Kate sat inside, like normal, updating her status on facebook, editing pictures on photoscape, and texting a few people from the comfort of her apartment living room. The TV was off but her iPod was blaring Breaking Benjamin and Carrie Underwood and few other artists inbetween.
It had been a rather rocky morning. The day before she had stayed up late after spending all evening and almost all night out at the field for her school's first football game, hanging out with a smallish group of her closest friends, and flirting with her crush who was in the school's marching band, and also telling her other friends congrats on doing so good in Dance Team and Colorguard. So when morning came her mom had woken her up rather early to tell her that her and her 'boyfriend' of some sorts were going out for breakfast and wanted to know if she wanted to tag along.
At first Kate refused and just felt the need to go back to sleep but after a few minutes she jumped out of bed, changed, and fixed her hair so they could leave. But as she waited for her mom and her 'boyfriend' - Eddie - to say it was time to go she plugged in her iPod and turned on her laptop and waited. After about an hour she went into the bedroom to ask what was taking so long and she found them asleep in the bed. At first, Kate figured they would wake up soon but when 11:30 finally crept around, Kate realized, they weren't gonna be going anywhere together. And at that she was already starting off the morning with an attitude.
At about noon Kate's mom took her out for lunch in town, apologizing for skipping out on breakfast, but Kate was still a little irritable about it and being woken up so early after her long night before. But as the day continued, Kate remembered that she was being forced to go to her Aunt and Uncle's house for the night because, once again her single - divorced - mother was going out with her friend Lisa and Eddie. And Kate, was not thrilled by it at all.
Kate spent all day trying to talk her mom into not making her go and she'd just stay at home while they all went out, but her mom wouldn't let her or tell her why. When they got home, Kate's mom went outside and sat on the front patio with their poodle, Cassie, while Kate stayed inside with her iPod and laptop, like always. A normal Saturday.
All day long, Kate's cousin had been bothering the heck out of her. "When are you coming over? What time are you coming over? Are you on your way yet?" She was ready to chuck her phone across the room. But as 3:30 came into reality Kate went outside to see what had happened to her mom, because she had been out there all day. When she went outside she just found her mom sitting on the patio the dog running around playfully. Kate sat down on the doorstep and said, "what time are you leaving?"
"Later."
"Mom, why can't I stay home?"
"Because."
"WHY!? You always go out and we NEVER do anything together! And then you do this! You kick me out of the house so you bring whoever you want around!"
And then some things were said, some tears were shed, and some people started yelling. Kate was afraid she was gonna get slapped when Eddie pulled up. She had almost forgotten her mom's plans to go pick up something with him from one of her other friend's house. So as Eddie pulled up smoke was coming out of her mom's ears, she yelled for Kate to get the dog and go inside. Kate ran inside, tears running down her face, but Cassie refused to come inside. Kate tried to call her inside but it didn't work so her mom came inside to grab a water and called for her to come inside, and started screaming at the dog, literally scaring both of them to death.
As Kate's mom slammed the door close she slammed her own door closed and locked herself in her room, slammed her face into her pillow and sobbed. I mean, she literally pour everything out of her. Her pillow was soaked, the comforter wrapped over her head, in hopes she'd suffocate herself and die, in hopes she'd choke herself with a stray thread and never have to wake up ever again. It was horrible, absolutely awful. The thoughts of the things that had been said running through her head, pulsing through her like lightning, like a strong impulse of pure suffering, pure hatred.
It made her hate her mom's friend Lisa even more. To think of the things that her mom and had said that she had planned. It made her want to chuck something or worse, take a knife to her chest, or an overdose of pills to her throat. A list of things she could do, a list of ways she could get out running through her head. Horrible things.
****
She still goes to school with a smile on her face. She still has a normal life, a normal story, a normal divorced family, a normal amount of talent. She's nothing special, she's nothing too ordinary, she's just Kate. But now, she goes through her life with secret lies, secrets she hides, because she's so ashamed to tell them. She's too ashamed to say she hates her life, that every night she dreams of ways she could escape, ways she make it all stop. She thinks of the reasons why she's so unloved, she's so...unimportant. She thinks of what she does that makes her dad get mad at her for no reason and her mom avoid her in every way she can. She tries to comprehend what she's done wrong, and when she thinks she's figured it out, she cries.
She cries and cries. She envisions herself in a better place, in a place where they only cry tears of joy, where pain doesn't exist, where there's nothing but beautiful light and pure happiness. She dreams of disappearing, of going to another place where she has a better life. Where she's beautiful, where the guy she loves, loves her back, where her friends don't back-stab her, where her mom doesn't abandon her every night, where her dad doesn't force her to do things that are unfair, where she has amazing talents. She dreams of a place where she's happy.
Genuinely happy...
So here it goes:
Kate, a normal girl, normal life, normal talents, normal story. She had long, luscious curls, a soft face, a pair of hazel eyes, and a shape she wasn't very proud of, but a face to pull it off. She had a fun, easy-going sense of style in her wardrobe and attitude, and she always came to school with a smile on her face. She laughed and she joked and she always had fun with her friends, but it was too bad she had a second life that she refused to let anybody know about.
It was a normal weekend, most normal weekend as ever. A bright, end of summer day, a pretty lazy day. Kate sat inside, like normal, updating her status on facebook, editing pictures on photoscape, and texting a few people from the comfort of her apartment living room. The TV was off but her iPod was blaring Breaking Benjamin and Carrie Underwood and few other artists inbetween.
It had been a rather rocky morning. The day before she had stayed up late after spending all evening and almost all night out at the field for her school's first football game, hanging out with a smallish group of her closest friends, and flirting with her crush who was in the school's marching band, and also telling her other friends congrats on doing so good in Dance Team and Colorguard. So when morning came her mom had woken her up rather early to tell her that her and her 'boyfriend' of some sorts were going out for breakfast and wanted to know if she wanted to tag along.
At first Kate refused and just felt the need to go back to sleep but after a few minutes she jumped out of bed, changed, and fixed her hair so they could leave. But as she waited for her mom and her 'boyfriend' - Eddie - to say it was time to go she plugged in her iPod and turned on her laptop and waited. After about an hour she went into the bedroom to ask what was taking so long and she found them asleep in the bed. At first, Kate figured they would wake up soon but when 11:30 finally crept around, Kate realized, they weren't gonna be going anywhere together. And at that she was already starting off the morning with an attitude.
At about noon Kate's mom took her out for lunch in town, apologizing for skipping out on breakfast, but Kate was still a little irritable about it and being woken up so early after her long night before. But as the day continued, Kate remembered that she was being forced to go to her Aunt and Uncle's house for the night because, once again her single - divorced - mother was going out with her friend Lisa and Eddie. And Kate, was not thrilled by it at all.
Kate spent all day trying to talk her mom into not making her go and she'd just stay at home while they all went out, but her mom wouldn't let her or tell her why. When they got home, Kate's mom went outside and sat on the front patio with their poodle, Cassie, while Kate stayed inside with her iPod and laptop, like always. A normal Saturday.
All day long, Kate's cousin had been bothering the heck out of her. "When are you coming over? What time are you coming over? Are you on your way yet?" She was ready to chuck her phone across the room. But as 3:30 came into reality Kate went outside to see what had happened to her mom, because she had been out there all day. When she went outside she just found her mom sitting on the patio the dog running around playfully. Kate sat down on the doorstep and said, "what time are you leaving?"
"Later."
"Mom, why can't I stay home?"
"Because."
"WHY!? You always go out and we NEVER do anything together! And then you do this! You kick me out of the house so you bring whoever you want around!"
And then some things were said, some tears were shed, and some people started yelling. Kate was afraid she was gonna get slapped when Eddie pulled up. She had almost forgotten her mom's plans to go pick up something with him from one of her other friend's house. So as Eddie pulled up smoke was coming out of her mom's ears, she yelled for Kate to get the dog and go inside. Kate ran inside, tears running down her face, but Cassie refused to come inside. Kate tried to call her inside but it didn't work so her mom came inside to grab a water and called for her to come inside, and started screaming at the dog, literally scaring both of them to death.
As Kate's mom slammed the door close she slammed her own door closed and locked herself in her room, slammed her face into her pillow and sobbed. I mean, she literally pour everything out of her. Her pillow was soaked, the comforter wrapped over her head, in hopes she'd suffocate herself and die, in hopes she'd choke herself with a stray thread and never have to wake up ever again. It was horrible, absolutely awful. The thoughts of the things that had been said running through her head, pulsing through her like lightning, like a strong impulse of pure suffering, pure hatred.
It made her hate her mom's friend Lisa even more. To think of the things that her mom and had said that she had planned. It made her want to chuck something or worse, take a knife to her chest, or an overdose of pills to her throat. A list of things she could do, a list of ways she could get out running through her head. Horrible things.
****
She still goes to school with a smile on her face. She still has a normal life, a normal story, a normal divorced family, a normal amount of talent. She's nothing special, she's nothing too ordinary, she's just Kate. But now, she goes through her life with secret lies, secrets she hides, because she's so ashamed to tell them. She's too ashamed to say she hates her life, that every night she dreams of ways she could escape, ways she make it all stop. She thinks of the reasons why she's so unloved, she's so...unimportant. She thinks of what she does that makes her dad get mad at her for no reason and her mom avoid her in every way she can. She tries to comprehend what she's done wrong, and when she thinks she's figured it out, she cries.
She cries and cries. She envisions herself in a better place, in a place where they only cry tears of joy, where pain doesn't exist, where there's nothing but beautiful light and pure happiness. She dreams of disappearing, of going to another place where she has a better life. Where she's beautiful, where the guy she loves, loves her back, where her friends don't back-stab her, where her mom doesn't abandon her every night, where her dad doesn't force her to do things that are unfair, where she has amazing talents. She dreams of a place where she's happy.
Genuinely happy...
Friday, August 27, 2010
Someone take a picture! But my phone's off!!!
Right now, I just wanna slap myself, slap myself as hard as I possible can! I'm having musical regrets, meaning, I really should have stuck with the clarinet thing I started back in 5th grade, I mean, honestly, NOBODY can be as stupid as me. I'd be with a lot of my friends in band, and it would make me more musically inclined, and I could have done something today that would have made me REALLY happy.
Soooo remember that boy? The boy that I ALWAYYYSSSS talk about on here, I mean like, always. The one who ignores me and is like torturing the heck out of me!? Yes, well, I think he's almost, pretty much caved. He's in marching band and well today in art....well, it was really interesting. I mean, REALLLYYYY interesting.
So this morning in choir Mr. Drinkal taught us some hand motions with the scale? in music, and Kelsey and I were doing them in class. Well EVERYBODY knows I'm a musical person and choir is like my thing. So when I got back to work he was all like, "Madison."
And I'm like, "huh? what?"
-I'm gonna use dialogue here, so KEEP UP! lolz -
And he said, "does choir do after school practices?"
"Uhmm no."
"Well what bus do you ride to the high school?"
"I don't ride a bus..."
"Oh that sucks" - but he actually said something else there. :/ - "cause after I get off the shuttle I'm just gonna stay at the high school til the game starts and I'm gonna be bored."
"Oh. Sorry..."
And when I turned around I wanted to slap MYSELF AS HARD AS I COULD! I mean he literally JUST asked me to hang out with him after school before the game and because of stupid budget cuts I had to say NO!!!! NO!? HOW COULD I POSSIBLY SAY NO!? I mean, I could just have my mom run me up there but then I'd look desperate to hang out with him if I did that, and that's a bad thing to do. I mean, he could've asked anyone, but he asked me! AHHHH!!!!!
I think I'm gonna die...
Grr! I feel so excited but so angry and so confused all at the SAME TIME! It feels like AH-MAZING!!! The excitement and happiness covers the ANGER! I mean, I'm only angry cause I had to turn him down, I'm mostly mad at this economy for RUINING IT FOR ME! DARN YOU BUDGET CUTS!!!!!
But besides the point, today was a pretty friggin awesome day. I started out a little emotional in art cause Monica wouldn't sit by me, and Taylor made fun of my laugh, and Brittany made me look stupid, and I just felt horrible, but my whole day just...changed, and the rest of the day I've been so smiley.
And in homeroom today Sarah and I got into a little fake fight where we were slapping each other back and forth and Morgan got into it and hit us with her Mardi Gras beads. But she hit my leg so hard I have welts, and the worse part, she hit me through my skirt. There's a perfect mark where the beads hit my leg, perfect little dots in two straight lines. It was awful. I mean like blistering pain.
But then we started to laugh cause my whole knee turned red and we could feel the welts when you ran your fingers over the mark.
And, the lunch lady made fun of me when I walked into the cafeteria. I'm always like the first person in there cause it takes me two seconds to get from homeroom to the cafeteria and when I walked in the first thing I smelled was bacon. I looked in her direction and my face got all bright and I yelled, "BACON!". She laughed at how I said it. It was really funny. It was like OHMYGOSH ITS BACON DAY!!!!
Over all, I love purple days...
Soooo remember that boy? The boy that I ALWAYYYSSSS talk about on here, I mean like, always. The one who ignores me and is like torturing the heck out of me!? Yes, well, I think he's almost, pretty much caved. He's in marching band and well today in art....well, it was really interesting. I mean, REALLLYYYY interesting.
So this morning in choir Mr. Drinkal taught us some hand motions with the scale? in music, and Kelsey and I were doing them in class. Well EVERYBODY knows I'm a musical person and choir is like my thing. So when I got back to work he was all like, "Madison."
And I'm like, "huh? what?"
-I'm gonna use dialogue here, so KEEP UP! lolz -
And he said, "does choir do after school practices?"
"Uhmm no."
"Well what bus do you ride to the high school?"
"I don't ride a bus..."
"Oh that sucks" - but he actually said something else there. :/ - "cause after I get off the shuttle I'm just gonna stay at the high school til the game starts and I'm gonna be bored."
"Oh. Sorry..."
And when I turned around I wanted to slap MYSELF AS HARD AS I COULD! I mean he literally JUST asked me to hang out with him after school before the game and because of stupid budget cuts I had to say NO!!!! NO!? HOW COULD I POSSIBLY SAY NO!? I mean, I could just have my mom run me up there but then I'd look desperate to hang out with him if I did that, and that's a bad thing to do. I mean, he could've asked anyone, but he asked me! AHHHH!!!!!
I think I'm gonna die...
Grr! I feel so excited but so angry and so confused all at the SAME TIME! It feels like AH-MAZING!!! The excitement and happiness covers the ANGER! I mean, I'm only angry cause I had to turn him down, I'm mostly mad at this economy for RUINING IT FOR ME! DARN YOU BUDGET CUTS!!!!!
But besides the point, today was a pretty friggin awesome day. I started out a little emotional in art cause Monica wouldn't sit by me, and Taylor made fun of my laugh, and Brittany made me look stupid, and I just felt horrible, but my whole day just...changed, and the rest of the day I've been so smiley.
And in homeroom today Sarah and I got into a little fake fight where we were slapping each other back and forth and Morgan got into it and hit us with her Mardi Gras beads. But she hit my leg so hard I have welts, and the worse part, she hit me through my skirt. There's a perfect mark where the beads hit my leg, perfect little dots in two straight lines. It was awful. I mean like blistering pain.
But then we started to laugh cause my whole knee turned red and we could feel the welts when you ran your fingers over the mark.
And, the lunch lady made fun of me when I walked into the cafeteria. I'm always like the first person in there cause it takes me two seconds to get from homeroom to the cafeteria and when I walked in the first thing I smelled was bacon. I looked in her direction and my face got all bright and I yelled, "BACON!". She laughed at how I said it. It was really funny. It was like OHMYGOSH ITS BACON DAY!!!!
Over all, I love purple days...
Monday, August 23, 2010
You're a size 10!? I'm a size 10!!!
Right now, I'm so angry. My dad is turning literally NOTHING into a big deal. So what!? I dont wanna go over to his house all three days he's off? Is that such a crime!? I mean, for goodness sake lock me up behind bars and starve me to death because I don't wanna go to my dad's house every day he's off! Someone chop of my head and feed me to the rabid dogs!!!! I mean, seriously, he's gonna make it so I have NO WAY of getting home on Tuesday and Wednesday from school, so I'm screwed.
Sigh. I don't have any clue what I'm gonna do. Right now, I'm so angry, I wanna chuck something as hard as I can across the room and break whatever I can! I mean, I'm tempted to flip of the coffee table and slug a baseball bat into the TV screen! And besides that, my mom is completely ignoring me, again...but I won't go into details.
Well, today was my first show choir practice, and let's say, I'm pretty friggin pumped. It was rather difficult and I found out that I'm not flexible whatsoever, which is probably a disadvantage. But I was never really a good dancer anyway, I guess I just got lucky. But, I'm not sure, if this "show choir" thing is my thing. Sure, I love to sing, its a big part of me - though I don't do it too well - but still. But I get so...insecure when I'm around a few of the other show choir girls, its rather, intimidating. But, I think this is gonna be fun. The Soundwave dresses are beautiful and I love them, and luckily, they fit my body type PERFECTLY. Tight on the bust with some jewels, and flowy from there down. And no kidding the color, purple is rad. I'm so excited for this year!
And I think the best part is, people that didn't like me last year like me this year, and my old friends who weren't very good friends have stopped talking to me, I feel...happy. :)
Sigh. I don't have any clue what I'm gonna do. Right now, I'm so angry, I wanna chuck something as hard as I can across the room and break whatever I can! I mean, I'm tempted to flip of the coffee table and slug a baseball bat into the TV screen! And besides that, my mom is completely ignoring me, again...but I won't go into details.
Well, today was my first show choir practice, and let's say, I'm pretty friggin pumped. It was rather difficult and I found out that I'm not flexible whatsoever, which is probably a disadvantage. But I was never really a good dancer anyway, I guess I just got lucky. But, I'm not sure, if this "show choir" thing is my thing. Sure, I love to sing, its a big part of me - though I don't do it too well - but still. But I get so...insecure when I'm around a few of the other show choir girls, its rather, intimidating. But, I think this is gonna be fun. The Soundwave dresses are beautiful and I love them, and luckily, they fit my body type PERFECTLY. Tight on the bust with some jewels, and flowy from there down. And no kidding the color, purple is rad. I'm so excited for this year!
And I think the best part is, people that didn't like me last year like me this year, and my old friends who weren't very good friends have stopped talking to me, I feel...happy. :)
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